I've never been Jenny. I'm not Jenny now, I won't ever be.

Jenny didn't have braces and glasses and acne and a flat chest at the same time. She didn't pee from laughing really hard. Jenny didn't sway in unrequited love for four years, she didn't ask five guys to the prom over two years and go with one who ditched her once the bus unloaded at some dumb shmancy place. Jenny didn't think the place was dumb, she thought it was great, the whole ridiculous shebang. Jenny isn't called "cute" or "intimidating". She's mysterious and sly, flirty and somehow, that little gap in her teeth are sexy while Not Jenny's braced teeth are too mainstream. Jenny's mole is unique and makes her look mature while Not Jenny's post-adolescent acne is hormone hell. Jenny doesn't suffer from depression and then have to convince her mother that yes, this is more than anxiety. Jenny wasn't a maniac before she finally got on SNRIs- she didn't even need them. She's got more serotonin and vitamin D than the sun. Jenny went to college at the same school for four years and loved it- she didn't have a psycho roommate or find NYC to be an anxious existentialist's nightmare. She didn't transfer, she didn't drop out, Jenny is linear. Jenny is smooth and clean, she walks in straight lines. Jenny wears shoes with heels without rubber soles on concrete without wincing. Jenny doesn't wince at small children with sticky hands and doesn't explain to her mother that there won't be any grandchildren out of choice and she shouldn't count on a wedding either. Jenny doesn't explain to her friends that just because she kissed someone romantically or had sex with them doesn't mean she can't find her clitoris. Jenny doesn't do a lot of things that Not Jenny and I do, and it's made me love Not Jenny every bit more. I've never been Jenny. I'm not Jenny now, I won't ever be. But sometimes, sometimes I do envy Joni. Joni is confident in her Not-Jennyness and laughs at the guacamole on her chin and lives for dirt under her nails and doesn't walk by mirrors purposely and isn't late but she also isn't early and her door is always open but somehow she hasn't been robbed and she bikes when she can but also doesn't mind a drive through Concord and Joni wears the pipecleaner bracelet made by her five year old niece proudly and doesn't give a shit that lime and plum aren't a popular color combination, she'll wear that lime shirt and plum pants and a bandana and pretend she's a pirate gardener if she wants to.

I'm thinking I'd like to be Joni.