I've never been Jenny. I'm not Jenny now, I won't ever be.

Jenny didn't have braces and glasses and acne and a flat chest at the same time. She didn't pee from laughing really hard. Jenny didn't sway in unrequited love for four years, she didn't ask five guys to the prom over two years and go with one who ditched her once the bus unloaded at some dumb shmancy place. Jenny didn't think the place was dumb, she thought it was great, the whole ridiculous shebang. Jenny isn't called "cute" or "intimidating". She's mysterious and sly, flirty and somehow, that little gap in her teeth are sexy while Not Jenny's braced teeth are too mainstream. Jenny's mole is unique and makes her look mature while Not Jenny's post-adolescent acne is hormone hell. Jenny doesn't suffer from depression and then have to convince her mother that yes, this is more than anxiety. Jenny wasn't a maniac before she finally got on SNRIs- she didn't even need them. She's got more serotonin and vitamin D than the sun. Jenny went to college at the same school for four years and loved it- she didn't have a psycho roommate or find NYC to be an anxious existentialist's nightmare. She didn't transfer, she didn't drop out, Jenny is linear. Jenny is smooth and clean, she walks in straight lines. Jenny wears shoes with heels without rubber soles on concrete without wincing. Jenny doesn't wince at small children with sticky hands and doesn't explain to her mother that there won't be any grandchildren out of choice and she shouldn't count on a wedding either. Jenny doesn't explain to her friends that just because she kissed someone romantically or had sex with them doesn't mean she can't find her clitoris. Jenny doesn't do a lot of things that Not Jenny and I do, and it's made me love Not Jenny every bit more. I've never been Jenny. I'm not Jenny now, I won't ever be. But sometimes, sometimes I do envy Joni. Joni is confident in her Not-Jennyness and laughs at the guacamole on her chin and lives for dirt under her nails and doesn't walk by mirrors purposely and isn't late but she also isn't early and her door is always open but somehow she hasn't been robbed and she bikes when she can but also doesn't mind a drive through Concord and Joni wears the pipecleaner bracelet made by her five year old niece proudly and doesn't give a shit that lime and plum aren't a popular color combination, she'll wear that lime shirt and plum pants and a bandana and pretend she's a pirate gardener if she wants to.

I'm thinking I'd like to be Joni.

"Not (going to be with a) Jenny"

Jenny doesn’t have coarse curly hair covering her at her head that blends into a patchy beard. Jenny doesn’t have a happy trail that starts on her chest and runs straight down to the tops of her feet. I’m clearly not Jenny, but I felt like Jenny once when I ordered a Caramel Macchiato with soymilk from Starbucks. Felt like Rob when I payed for it in change. After that I started drinking my coffee black, making it at home to save money. Started spending most of what I saved on booze, trying to get enough confidence to convince a Jenny to come home with me. Never have. Slept with a Katie once though. We took shots when we woke up, started dating ‘til I learned she was spending the money I saved on booze. And not sharing. I dumped her, started writing Robert, and drinking espresso.

"Not Jason"

I’m not Jason. I don’t really hit the gym. I’d rather have a beer and spend time on the Internet. I’m not tall, tan, or toned. Not tough, but resilient. I don’t really win competitions that often, always teetered on the edge of nerdy and five foot seven. Girls seem to think I like it when they call me cute but they’re wrong. However, I’ll take what I can get. Maybe if I traded in my road bike for a motorcycle and had some perfect wavy hair I’d almost be Jason. I’ll never be Jason, James Bond, Clint Eastwood, Brad Pitt, Kobe Bryant, or Ken. I'll be me and I’ll tell my wife that I can’t fix her car, but I can cook her a great dinner. That I’ve got a passion for music, not football (though I used to play as a linebacker before everyone else hit a growth spurt). I’ll kill the spiders but I wont like it. She’ll be OK with all of this, but she probably won’t be named Jenny.

"Jenny isn't what I see when I look in the mirror. "

Jenny isn't what I see when I look in the mirror. But she is what I see when I look anywhere else. She walks down the hall in front of me, she smiles at me from magazine covers and movie boxes, she never lets me forget that she is there. I tell myself I don't care, that I don't want to be Jenny anyway. But I do. Everyone does, and she knows it, and she's never going away. Jenny's hair is long and thick and full of life and always looks effortlessly in place, no matter what. I don't have Jenny's hair. Jenny's legs are long and thin and don't have any scars at all. I don't have Jenny's legs. Jenny's brother is protective and popular and happy and they have a great relationship. I don't have Jenny's brother. Jenny's best friend from growing up is alive. I don't have Jenny's luck like that. Jenny never makes anyone mad, and everyone likes her even though they don't like every other girl that is better than them at something. I pretend I don't want Jenny's life and looks. I say that I will make do with mine, that we take what we get and we do the best we can with it. But if I could change my hair, if I could erase the three scars on each of my legs, if I could be closer with my brother, if I could stop my friend Danny from rolling his car, I would. If I could have her luck and her magnetism, I would. And because of that, Jenny always, always wins. I don't have Jenny's success.